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How he handles this attraction is actually one of the most attractive things about him. I would push and pull the rolls of fat on my stomach with my hands as flat as I could, and try to imagine what my lower half would look like, unencumbered by what I had done to it. Most of my life, my weight has felt like a search light from above that continually hounds me, putting the spotlight on my body even when I just want to hide. We started dating almost immediately, and became inseparable. Would Brian still feel the same way? It was during this time that I started slowly putting the weight back on. Even though I was and am loved, I still didn't feel that way — because in my mind, I had not earned it. I looked at myself for hours in the mirror the way a child might gawk at an ugly person on the street.

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